LIFE LESSON 102: Often dreams do not come true and this can be a good thing. Especially if your dreams involve having an affair with Peter Andre and possibly getting bitch slapped by Jordan…

LIFE LESSON 101: I walked on water today and I'm definitely not Jesus. I need new boots. My sole can be saved by no-one but the cobbler...

LIFE LESSON 100: If you forget your tights but remember your coat you inadvertently look like a flasher...

LIFE LESSON 99: If you start at 78 and miss a few everyone thinks you've written 99 Life Lessons when in fact you've only written 11. Genius

LIFE LESSON 98: There's a skinny, scraggy bulimic-looking old woman at the gym and it makes me feel sick (ironically). Eat cake kids...

LIFE LESSON 96: Repetitive tasks can induce suicidal tendencies. A paperclip extractor is not a useful tool to this end. Neither is your 4 hour old cereal spoon, that random key or your A5 notepad. Unless maybe you're planning to papercut yourself to death...

LIFE LESSON 95: Sometimes you want bread but all there is is cake. And then you want cake but you're not offered any. Cake should be portioned out equally, wrapped in a tissue, accompanied by a mini yoyo and handed to me as I leave in a bag..